Saturday, January 21, 2012

Fresh Start II

Hello, again! I took an unoffical leave of absence from this blog. In my absence, I fell off of the dieting wagon, I gained back 12 pounds, and spent a few weeks in a self-loathing abyss because of my lack of discipline.

Now that brings us to current day; post pity party. I slipped. Simple as that, sad as that. I reached a point where I let my hectic schedule and LIFE take over what I had been working so hard to eating! However, I reached the conclusion that I am human. Yes, I am human and I have been told that it is normal for me to make mistakes.

That being said, I worked really hard this week and tracked my food. And I lost 4 pounds this week. I have this renewed sense of empowerment and self-awareness that I missed over the last few weeks. I feel like I can do anything. Stay tuned as I get back on track and take off again.

I have a wedding in May in which I have to wear a beautiful, but too-revealing-for-me bridesmaid dress for my bestest buddy Mackenzie. I dont' want to be spilling out from all sides when that day comes. So, I have a lot of work ahead of me, but i am really feeling like I can do it.

With the new year comes new dieters. I have many friends that have made the time-honored resolution to lose those holiday pounds. As the new year rolled in and some of my friends started their journey I was in the midst of my backslide. While I always appreciate the advice and support, I found that some people found it necessary to share their weight-loss secrets with me when they had their own battles to get through and then those certain friends would get very frustrated with me for not jumping on their bandwagon. I love support, I love giving support, but we all have to do what is right for us. At that time, being angry with myself was what I needed to do to get the kick in the pants to get serious again.

So, if you know someone who is trying to lose the weight,  is working hard at it, but may slip from time to time, understand that it is NORMAL for that person to be angry at themselves and to FEEL lots of varying emotions. Just be a good friend to them and LISTEN, don't offer advice and don't tell them what they should be doing. Let them vocalize what they are going through. For many of us, hearing ourselves say the things that have been rattling around in our minds is enough to shake us out of it.

Losing weight is not meant to be easy or quick. And for me, the hardest part is changing the voices in my head to like me and to support me. When I make a mistake I beat myself up and then punish myself by not eating, or just throwing caution to the wind and overeating for the comfort. So, in my future blogs, I will be mentioning ways that I want to improve on myself other than just the oustide weight issues. I have so many emotional things that i need to change in order to ensure a lifetime of success. I don't just want to lose the weight, I want to keep it off. I want to get better with age and this is my journey.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

More to Change Than Just the Physical

I did it! I reached my 40 pound weight loss goal! I can't even begin to say how excited I was. I could have burst when I saw that on the scale! I couldn't believe it. I nearly cried because while I still have 90 pounds more to lose, I never thought I would see a loss of 40 pounds.

I believe that the easy part of this journey has actually been changing my eating habits. That becomes almost second nature at each meal. I have become very aware of what and how much I am consuming. I still get a treat from time to time, but overall, I have done extremely well with my dietary changes.

The most difficult part has been finding what it is that is the root cause of my obesity. What is it that makes me defeat myself and give up to the temptation and comfort that food has presented me with? There are many factors that I don't care to get into at this time, but they are pretty devastating. However, the biggest problem is the one that my own internal voice creates.

On a daily basis I battle with that hateful voice that tells me that I am fat because I am worthless and lazy. I am fat because I am too stupid and weak to put down the cookie and get on the treadmill. Then that same voice tells me that I let myself get to this place because nobody cared for me.

I have spent many days and nights staring into the mirror and wondering how I got to this place. Recently, a friend of mine said that she had watched  show with woman who was almost 500 or 600 pounds and was bed ridden. Of course, the show went through what she ate on a day-to-day basis and it was a considerable amount of food. More than most families would consume in a day being eaten by just one woman. Said friend replied that the woman was crying and asking the question that anyone who is "obese" has asked themselves, "How did I get here?" My friend made the comment that she didn't know why this woman was asking this question when she was the one that was eating a bucket of chicken in a sitting. While I know my friend didn't mean anything hateful by this or rude, it stuck with me and in a way it insulted me. At 280 pounds, I was considered to be Morbidly Obese. I may not be bedridden by Obese is obese; no matter what the number on the scale reads.

Looking back, I realize that I was angry because it was obvious that if you have never been emotionally affected by being overweight or obese or FAT, then you could never sympathize with what it feels like to really see yourself one day and not recognize the socially unacceptable monster you have become. Being fat has always been a lonely, depressing, and sometimes desperate state of mind for me. There have been so many times when I have wanted to do something or speak out about something but my insecurity has stopped me. Inside I feel like an intelligent and productive person, but when I know that by speaking or acting I would have people looking at me, I shut down. How could anyone take someone like me seriously? What right do I have to even think I can contribute anything valuable to anything when I can't even control my own physical appearance?

Even after losing 40 pounds, I find myself still grabbing my diminishing fat rolls and telling myself that I am still disgusting and I will never reach my goal weight. How could I? In fact, since I have been losing weight and my face is slowly changing I have become more and more aware of how I feel about my overall beauty factor. I don't feel that I have any. I cover up my pain and distaste in myself with self-deprecating humor that some people laugh at with me but they don't realize that I really believe these things. I really think them.

When friends or family tell me that I am beautiful or they don't know why I don't like way I look, I can't believe them. I feel that they are just saying these things because they don't want to agree with me and be rude. Let's be honest, none of us are going to go up to another human being and tell them that we think they are, in fact, ugly. Most of us would never do that. Most of us try to find the beauty in others.

As I move forward, I need to find a way to feel good about me. I need to find a way to change the voice in my head to be my ally instead of my enemy. Many of you have had the discussion with me about where my place is in this world. I have AMAZING friends and some very AMAZING family members who have a lot to offer and have very strong talents that set them apart. However, I feel lost and overwhelmed because I can't find that part of me. I can't find what it is that makes me special. I know that is part of this journey that I am on, but it makes it a little more lonely and sometimes a little more difficult. I think I might be having a mid-life crisis at 31!

My motivation first and foremost has been to make my children and family proud of me. I don't want them to be embarrassed of me when we go somewhere. I want to feel good about going out in public and meeting new people. But now, I realize that I really need to work on that inner part of me that holds me back. THat keeps me so fearful of failure and alienation that I don't give anyone else that chance to reject me, I just avoid the potential for rejection altogether.

I don't have a lot of readers, and that is actually fine. This is a way for me to just take a moment and get out some of the things that are on my mind. But, for those of you that do read this, please take a moment and think about the people you have in your life. If there is anyone that you know of that feels this way please be patient with them and try to be more understanding. Fat is just not a physical trait, but also an emotional and mental trait as well. And sometimes that is the hardest thing to overcome; the emotional and mental.

I always like to take a second to thank everyone that has been with me during this struggle. You know who you are. But especially today, at this milestone, I want to say a special thank you to Mackenzie Honts and Sheila Stroughmatt who have been very patient with me as I rediscover myself and get to know who I am all over again. THank you, ladies, for allowing me to bend your ear about how I feel like I don't have anything to offer and for trying to help me. THank you both for being honest with me and not giving me the stock best friend answers. You are truly two very remarkable women and I couldn't succeed without you.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Closer to a New Me

What a couple of weeks it has been! Last week's progress in my weight-loss journey was very disappointing. I got on the scale only to realize that I had gained back a pound, making my weight go the wrong way to 254 pounds. Not the way it was supposed to go.

If I were going to follow the old patterns of diets past I would tell people that because of the holiday (4th of July) and the random get-togethers I splurged. Or I would tell people that I was ill and that contributed to my lack of discipline.

However, if I am going to be successful this time, I have to be honest. That is the whole reason that I even started doing this blog - to remain honest with myself and accountable for my actions. The honest truth is that I got lazy and sloppy and let myself slack off. I didn't count out points for the foods that I ate, I didn't practice portion control, etc. I think people are seeing a pattern.

I believe that I really started taking for granted that I had been losing every week. Yes, it may have only been one pound, but for someone with my weight "issues" that is very dangerous. Just one pound turns into one more turns into twenty more.

So, it is my nature to get angry at myself for not being better disciplined. I didn't just let myself down, I let down those that are on this journey with me and remain structured and faithful to their plan. I let down my family who have expressed such pride in my efforts and success. And mainly, I let myself down. After some tears and a few stern words with myself, I kicked up my game.

I decided that I have a pretty good grasp on some of my issues with food so it is time to really put some focus on the exercise. This has been tricky for me because I have the age old mother's guilt for taking the time after work to get in a workout when Steve is not working. I mean, my kids are with a sitter all day, and then I come home, throw together a quick dinner for them, and then I am out the door again to work out. I have to remind myself that what I am doing is for their benefit too. They get to have a healthier, happier mother who might live longer. And I get to see my babies grow up and do all of the wonderful things I know that they are destined to do.

I go to the gym on the nights that my husband is off work to get in those really hard, long, painful workouts that I can't get squeezed in when I have the kids. When he has to work I take the kids walking and then I come home and after they go to bed I do an aerobics video and/or some Pilates. Add all of that on top of my regular household chores and I am really really active.

All of this leads to this week. I went down this morning and did my weigh-in. I was sure that I had shed my pound of shame gained the week before and perhaps a couple more. To my surprise, everything had paid off. Those beautiful numbers on that scale read 249! That is a loss of 5 pounds for the week. I even had Mexican one night. However, I learned my lesson and watched my portions and planned what I would have before I went.

Me at 249 pounds(total loss of 31 pounds since April 2011)
I have posted this picture. As any of my friends and family will tell you, pictures of me are rare. My children do not even have photos of me, and posting photos of me are always very risky and difficult for me. However, I feel that seeing the changes over time will help me to see what everyone else sees and it allows me to see where I started and where I end up.

This weight loss journey is not just about losing the weight for me. It's about losing all of the fears and insecurities that have prevented me from living the life I deserve and want. It's about losing my biggest excuse for not trying new things and putting myself out there in so many ways. It's about realizing my worth. And most importantly, it's about finding the real me who has been suffocated in a shell of fat and feeling of worthlessness.

I have to thank everyone again for all of the support that I received from friends and family. I have to thank my beautiful daughter, Chloe who is always quick to remind me that she thinks I am beautiful and always tells me how much I am loved by her.


Friday, June 24, 2011

The Weekly Weigh-In

So, today was another weigh-in. They are every Friday, of course. I fear them every week, and by Thursday my nerves are crazy. I am scared that I gained back weight or that I didn't lose anything. This is something that I am working on in many areas of my life; patience. Currently, I have little to none!

One of the mistakes I have made in my past efforts to lose weight was to weight myself every few days. That is why I decided to weigh in on Fridays. I feel resourceful using the postage scale at IS designed to weigh large packages, so I figure I am safe using it. I get up and get ready in the morning for work, being mindful not to drink or eat ANYTHING knowing that as soon as I get to work I am going to step on that big scale.

I got down to the scale with my fellow Weight-Watcher's buddy, Mackenzie, and waited for her to do her own weekly update. On the outside, I believe I was being patient, but inside I was mentally resorting to my toddler years; meaning that I wanted to push her out of the way, and yell, "ME first!!!" I mean, I had to know and waiting the whole minute for her to get done was killing me! As I mentioned already - patience; working on it.

After she announced her results, I immediately had my shoes off and was already stepping on the scale. I watched fearfully and excitedly as the digital numbers climbed and then flickered before settling on the final number - 253 pounds! I announced to Mackenzie in a very shocked manner that I had lost 5 pounds since last Friday. In disbelief, I stepped down and stepped back up again. There had to be a mistake; I didn't feel 5 pounds lighter; I didn't think I looked 5 pounds lighter. Not to mention I had the extra water due to Mama Nature visiting me this week.

I watched a second time as the numbers climbed and flicked between a couple of numbers before settling on the final number - 253 pounds. I was not going to attempt a third time, so I took that and walked away in awe.

For some people, 5 pounds may not be a lot, but for those like myself who have battled their weight and their body images for many years, 5 pounds lost can feel like conquering one more mile up a steep mountainside. I have to be honest and admit that I felt pride at my accomplishment. I not only lost that 5 pounds through conscientious eating habits, but through exercise as well. I worked very hard to shed those 5 pounds! And darn it, I feel wonderful about that.

Making time for exercise is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do. However, now that school is out, it has gotten easier. Chloe has started doing the Standing Pilates video with me at home, and she walks with me. Not to mention, that if I tell her in the morning that we are going to exercise before she gets in the tub after I get off work, she remembers and I have to be accountable for that. She has been so supportive. When I tell Steve about the weight I lost for the week, she is so excited and praises me. She told me today that she is proud of me and that meant a lot to me, even if she is only 6!

If anybody out there ever reads this and wants someone to go on the weight loss journey with, I would love company. You have to do it on your own accord and in your own time, but sometimes having someone to go through the good and bad times with you and understand where you are coming from is the difference between failing and succeeding! I have to give my thanks to everyone who has show their support and have nothing but positive feedback. Even when I make it difficult for them to praise me because I am always harder on myself. THANK YOU!!! You know who you are!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Start of a New Day


I stood there looking down at those numbers in disbelief and shame with a dab of embarrassment. Not embarrassment so much for me but for my family; my husband, my kids, my siblings, my friends. How did this happen? When did this happen? I knew I was fat, not overweight, but FAT! However, I did not realize that I had more than doubled in size. The scale read 280 pounds! I stood there and cried those tears of shame that most women who battle weight shed so often. In my moment of despair and desperation, I realized I had two options: feel sorry for myself and eat the last donut on the counter with a chocolate milk chaser or change my lifestyle and thinking.

I knew I had a visit with my OB/GYN the next day so I addressed my thoughts and concerns with her. She ran some blood work and we discoverd that my sugar levels very elevated but everything else was right on. She then said the words that nobody ever wants to hear, "Terrie, you are considered morbidly obese. You now qualify for lap band surgery." At first, I was very disappointed and ashamed. Then I was excited because this would give me a great jump start to get this weight off of me.

Present Day:

I am now at 258; that is down 22 pounds since that terrible day in April. A great friend at work, Ally Billhorn (check out her blog at was coming back from maternity leave and was starting Weight Watchers, a program she had used before and had success with. Our group at work is VERY supportive so we all decided to join in on it with her.

Now, let me first tell you that I was not very excited about Weight Watchers. I mean, there was going to be a lot of time spent measuring, weighing, and calculating. Who has time for that? However, if there is one characteristic of myself that I like it is that I am always willing to try something new at least once. Anyways, what did I have to lose? And that is where my Weight Watchers journey began. In three weeks, I have lost 11 pounds. However, I have to deal with ALWAYS eating. I eat every couple of hours. Usually it is fruit, vegetables, etc.

This blog is not going to be a selling point for Weight Watchers, but a chronicle of my journey along the way to becoming the person that I want to be inside and out. I hope that you will all join me along the way. I welcome tips, pointers and definitely words of encouragement along the way. Other than watching food and portions, a strong support system is the best thing a person could ask for.