I did it! I reached my 40 pound weight loss goal! I can't even begin to say how excited I was. I could have burst when I saw that on the scale! I couldn't believe it. I nearly cried because while I still have 90 pounds more to lose, I never thought I would see a loss of 40 pounds.
I believe that the easy part of this journey has actually been changing my eating habits. That becomes almost second nature at each meal. I have become very aware of what and how much I am consuming. I still get a treat from time to time, but overall, I have done extremely well with my dietary changes.
The most difficult part has been finding what it is that is the root cause of my obesity. What is it that makes me defeat myself and give up to the temptation and comfort that food has presented me with? There are many factors that I don't care to get into at this time, but they are pretty devastating. However, the biggest problem is the one that my own internal voice creates.
On a daily basis I battle with that hateful voice that tells me that I am fat because I am worthless and lazy. I am fat because I am too stupid and weak to put down the cookie and get on the treadmill. Then that same voice tells me that I let myself get to this place because nobody cared for me.
I have spent many days and nights staring into the mirror and wondering how I got to this place. Recently, a friend of mine said that she had watched show with woman who was almost 500 or 600 pounds and was bed ridden. Of course, the show went through what she ate on a day-to-day basis and it was a considerable amount of food. More than most families would consume in a day being eaten by just one woman. Said friend replied that the woman was crying and asking the question that anyone who is "obese" has asked themselves, "How did I get here?" My friend made the comment that she didn't know why this woman was asking this question when she was the one that was eating a bucket of chicken in a sitting. While I know my friend didn't mean anything hateful by this or rude, it stuck with me and in a way it insulted me. At 280 pounds, I was considered to be Morbidly Obese. I may not be bedridden by Obese is obese; no matter what the number on the scale reads.
Looking back, I realize that I was angry because it was obvious that if you have never been emotionally affected by being overweight or obese or FAT, then you could never sympathize with what it feels like to really see yourself one day and not recognize the socially unacceptable monster you have become. Being fat has always been a lonely, depressing, and sometimes desperate state of mind for me. There have been so many times when I have wanted to do something or speak out about something but my insecurity has stopped me. Inside I feel like an intelligent and productive person, but when I know that by speaking or acting I would have people looking at me, I shut down. How could anyone take someone like me seriously? What right do I have to even think I can contribute anything valuable to anything when I can't even control my own physical appearance?
Even after losing 40 pounds, I find myself still grabbing my diminishing fat rolls and telling myself that I am still disgusting and I will never reach my goal weight. How could I? In fact, since I have been losing weight and my face is slowly changing I have become more and more aware of how I feel about my overall beauty factor. I don't feel that I have any. I cover up my pain and distaste in myself with self-deprecating humor that some people laugh at with me but they don't realize that I really believe these things. I really think them.
When friends or family tell me that I am beautiful or they don't know why I don't like way I look, I can't believe them. I feel that they are just saying these things because they don't want to agree with me and be rude. Let's be honest, none of us are going to go up to another human being and tell them that we think they are, in fact, ugly. Most of us would never do that. Most of us try to find the beauty in others.
As I move forward, I need to find a way to feel good about me. I need to find a way to change the voice in my head to be my ally instead of my enemy. Many of you have had the discussion with me about where my place is in this world. I have AMAZING friends and some very AMAZING family members who have a lot to offer and have very strong talents that set them apart. However, I feel lost and overwhelmed because I can't find that part of me. I can't find what it is that makes me special. I know that is part of this journey that I am on, but it makes it a little more lonely and sometimes a little more difficult. I think I might be having a mid-life crisis at 31!
My motivation first and foremost has been to make my children and family proud of me. I don't want them to be embarrassed of me when we go somewhere. I want to feel good about going out in public and meeting new people. But now, I realize that I really need to work on that inner part of me that holds me back. THat keeps me so fearful of failure and alienation that I don't give anyone else that chance to reject me, I just avoid the potential for rejection altogether.
I don't have a lot of readers, and that is actually fine. This is a way for me to just take a moment and get out some of the things that are on my mind. But, for those of you that do read this, please take a moment and think about the people you have in your life. If there is anyone that you know of that feels this way please be patient with them and try to be more understanding. Fat is just not a physical trait, but also an emotional and mental trait as well. And sometimes that is the hardest thing to overcome; the emotional and mental.
I always like to take a second to thank everyone that has been with me during this struggle. You know who you are. But especially today, at this milestone, I want to say a special thank you to Mackenzie Honts and Sheila Stroughmatt who have been very patient with me as I rediscover myself and get to know who I am all over again. THank you, ladies, for allowing me to bend your ear about how I feel like I don't have anything to offer and for trying to help me. THank you both for being honest with me and not giving me the stock best friend answers. You are truly two very remarkable women and I couldn't succeed without you.
